Car jokes
A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.
Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.
Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"
Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
What's the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?
With a cop car, all the pricks are on the inside.
Where did JFK go in his car? I am not sure of his intentional destination, but he did go everywhere.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.
The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.
I don't have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere.
Yo mama is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.