Car jokes
A girl called me ugly.
So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
What is the difference between runners and my car?
My car is still running.
Why can't gays drive faster than 68 mph?
Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
Blind people driving on the highway would be the world's biggest, and shortest game of bumper cars!
Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?
Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.
If a fat person were to go on a flying car, it will just be at the ground. When they exit, it will just fly up.
What happens when a frog's car breaks down?
It gets toad away!
Yo momma's teeth so yellow, when she smiled at traffic, all the cars slowed down.
What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.
What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?
"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.