Car jokes
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Why did the Jew get an electric car?
Because he was afraid of the gas.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
What is the difference between runners and my car?
My car is still running.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
Why did the frog take the bus to work?
His car got toad.
Why did the rapper take the bus to the studio?
Because their car ran out of RHYME.
What's a rapper's favorite type of car?
A Rhyme Rover.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
Why did the rapper go to the auto shop?
To get his RHYMES in TUNE.
Rapboat steals more rhymes than black people steal cars.
What did the rapper say to the traffic jam?
"Move over, I'm about to drop some FIRE!"
Why can lesbians not drive cars?
They always strap the wrong thing on.
What is the difference between women and cars?
At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"