What is the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute? The prostitute can blow you more than once
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
Why do Asians excel at math? Because their dog can never eat their homework
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
Roses are red fiolets are blue ur so flat we can play chess on ur chest
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements. The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.” The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.” The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100. Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Why do emo kids cost so much? Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
You’re so ugly I can see why your dad left now
Been learning Chinese................ 69 is too-can-chew
I play saxophone and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason I got multiple restraining orders because I said “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson”, I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
What can jump higher than a basketball player? and emo kid, they never touch the ground
My friend and I were at the mall, and decided to try on some necklaces. He said l think you should get the one over there, I do, I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it, I asked him did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?
what's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend? I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it.
did you see the blind guy trip on a can...... he didint ether
Yo mamma so fat I can see where you got in from now
