Call jokes

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?

A short tistic.

What do you call an emo who's emo?

An emo.

One day I woke up and went on my phone. Some "pussy" was calling me. I answered it and said, "Hello, pussy?" and a pussy pic showed up.

What do you call a woman with magical abilities and an android? Wanda Maximoff and Vision! Or.... Scarlet Witch and Vision! This joke was added to celebrate and honour Marvel Studios' new series: WandaVision!

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

What do you call a pillow that has been on the bed for 20 years in jail?

A criminal! 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃

What do you call sex?

Making cake.

What do you call a dwarf with autism? Matthew Michal?

What do you call a magician with no magic? A dyslexic c**t.

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

Want one way to get a free haircut?

Call the cancer hotline.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair going through a fire? Ghost Rider.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.

What do you call a hungry person?

African.

Why did they call it "Aqua Claudia"?

Because it carried water, and another word for water is aqua. Duh!

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

What do you call an orphan village?

An orphanage.

I was at a farm in France called ‘Uber eats Farmer league’, then I saw a strange creature called ‘Pessi’. He only appears against farmers.

He ran towards to me, I didn’t know what I should do so I decided to shout “Big games! Big games!“ Pessi scurried away.

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah Bless.