Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.
When you step on the weighing scale it shows your phone number!
What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed? Dial-ISIS
What would a clock look like with no numbers? Timeless
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg. P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: To get to the other side DUH?!? P1: No dumbass, its to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me). P2: Holy shitr u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system. He agrees and the doctors turn to dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
Yesterday a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...
Bob: Siri, call 666! *dialing noises* Bob: Hello? Bob's dad: Hi!
why couldn't the blonde dial 911? She couldn't find the 11
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911 holy shit.
I will give you all the fine chicks you want just dial this number 313-974- tap that ass from hooters strip club.
11th of September is considered 9/11 in America, The twin towers, fell on 9/11 in 2001, But to call an emergency in America you dial 911! 😮 You could say they dialled that correctly
2 hunter are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and and hunter #1 dials 911. Operator: "911 what's your emergency?" Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods fell asleep." Operator: "Check if he's / she's (not assuming genders) dead." *Operator hears a distant gunshot* Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground. Terrified, he dials 911 and says “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead. The hunter replies, “Ok I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks “Anything else?” The nurse says “Nope. That’s it.”
There was a woman named sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed she her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big! Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.
69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 55378008 (flip calculator)
Boobless.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
