Business jokes
Did you hear about the needle and thread shop?
Never mind, it was needle-ess.
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
Yo mama so smelly, she’s even banned from the perfume store!
I was going to walk to Verizon, but I decided to Sprint over to T-Mobile instead.
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
How many Lowe’s could Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
Joke: Why did the gym close down?
– It just didn’t work out.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Why can't Americans trade with other countries? We lost the trading center!
My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.
Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!
What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?
High steaks gambling.
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
Why did the man decide to work at a pizza place?
Because he kneaded the dough!
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!