Body jokes
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run?
The grass tickles their balls.
Roses are red, grass is greener.
When I think of you, I play with my weiner.
"Why can’t you be comfortable with my own body?"
"I think you should ask yourself that."
I love the word legs.
Wanna help me spread the word?
How do you make a baby float?
You take your foot off its head.
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
My dick is longer than your life.
I have a penis.
How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.
500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.
Would you watch a tree grow? Or a knee grow?
What do you call a dick that doesn't fit in an asshole?
A misfit.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
How much did the liver weigh?
It weighed a skeleTON.
What do boobs and toys have in common?
Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.
What's the artist imagine something?
Imagine Dragons!
Imagine draggin' these nuts across your face!
What's red and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
My friend asked me:
Friend: "How much is your body worth?"
Me: "1 million."
Friend: "1 million dollars?!"
Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."
Friend: "Oh."
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
There is a Mexican sitting on a train.
The guy sitting next to him says, "I have a big dick."
The Mexican decides to get a lawnmower and some clippers. When he got off the train, the police found a dead body with no dick and pube hairs.