Being jokes

What do you call purple when it's being mean? Violent.

Hate me all you want, but I rather love bullying in all fairness. I love to watch all the loner kids being abused while simultaneously making a prediction for when which one of them will finally snap and shoot up the school.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

Okay, when I leave for ONE DAY something happens like people being sexist and men saying that women are weak (Which is Not True), AND rape. I hate hearing and really saying the word. Just stop with all this nonsense. I say rape and sexist and woman assault jokes should not be allowed. They are too cruel and mean to women. Most men are weaker than women. So don't anyone make anymore things or "jokes" about rape. Women are strong and don't be mean to them.

Sincerely, watersharky (How did I not misspell????)

I had a dream about being forced to eat a huge marshmallow.

I woke up and my pillow was gone.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

Can people please shut up about "male privileges"? There is no right that men have that women don't.

Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.

Women have the right to choose parenthood; men do not.

Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.

Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.

Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.

Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.

Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of "women only" events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us.)

Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas.

Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.

Women have the right to domestic violence shelters.

Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic dispute.

Women have the right to rape a man or boy, and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy, they can sue him for child support.

So it is women who have more rights.

So shut up, feminists, please.

Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

Guy #2: Why, what is it?

Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

It's tiring being straight 24/7.

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

Why did Sally stare out the window for 24 hours straight?

Sally's used to being blind!

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?

The hangover.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

What is the worst thing about your birthday being on September 11?

Party crashers.

We are having a sleepover and we are being as quiet as possible.

Addison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THOSE ARE GREAT JOKES!!!

Layne: IKR

Mom: SHUT UP, YOUR BROTHER IS TRYING TO SLEEP.

Addison: ok fine.

Layne: Look at this joke.

Addison: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

*Addison and Layne continue laughing really loudly*

Why did the kid go in the guy's van?

Answer: He thought he was being adopted.

One day, I was just chillin', being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing.

Then it hit me.

Your favorite music artist is Cardi B? I prefer Cardi A+ if I'm being honest.