Being jokes

"Ukraine be like Escape to Witch Mountain!"

I could be red, I could be orange, I could be yellow, I could be green, I could be blue, I could be purple, but I would be dead.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.

Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.

Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

Riddle: I can fill a room, others can have me, but I can't be shared. What am I?

Answer: Loneliness.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.

Kid: I want to be Batman.

Okay, when he gets home, his parents are dead.

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."

2019: The flying cars future.

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."

Why won't an atheist convert to the religion of Islam? Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be a Muslim according to the Arabic religion of Islam.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

What makes genders and Twin Towers similar?

There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive subject.