You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.
But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
"Stop, that's mean! You're making fun of people with Down syndrome!"
Video games don't make people violent, lag does.
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
I wrote a passage to stop about bullying, and it was easy. Do you know why?
Because I am a bully!
What's the worst living thing on planet earth?
Humans.
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
Mom, why was I adopted?
Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!
Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Bro, wait, are cannibals real, though?
Anyway, my joke is if you eat yourself, are you a cannibal?
Think about it, lol. Haha.
If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?
Why are french fries rude?
Me: "Hey, you trashy pig woman, go in the toilet or lay on the grass where you belong."
Trashy pig woman: "Why?"
Because you smell like fart, and you're pretty much just a turd with lips.
Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?
Early access.
My sister got mad when I told her to say this word 10 times, and she got in trouble, and it was a funny word that she did not even know what she was saying, ahhahaha! 😆 lol
Why did the guy like retarded jokes? Because he was a retard himself.
