I named my dog 5 miles so when I walk him I can say I walked 5 miles random guy: I ran over 5 miles
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Random guy: Go suck a D*ck! Me: Nah, i rather suck a 9mm.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun." Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?" Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?" Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna." Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?" Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
ahem.. if somebody you dont like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this
Hello thank you for choosing mamas pizzeria/ abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce how may i help you?
or
hello this is davids orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you?
some people reactions are priceless and then the wonder about you mental health
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over." Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
knock knock- whose there- not your dad- random kid: my dad went to get milk my mom said he will be back soon.
me: im afraid of random letters
therapist: you are?
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
Random kid: yo mama so stupid that she brought a spoon to the super bowl. orphan:what's a mama? Random kid: *shook
a man was in a court room, the judge said, ''what should this mans punishment be?'' a random guy ''OFF WITH HIS HEAD'' judge ''he shall give head to every man in this room'' the guy ''WAIT THATS NOT WHAT I SAID!!!''
It funny how you feel so alone with depression and yet once you tell people on some random website so may people relate unfortunately it doesn't stop the loneliness
SO WHO DID IT the i.s.s teacher said. 1 hour before So let me ge............ Random person wait what you BROKE UP WITH HER. Me I SWEAR JHONNY THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUD INTO MY CONVERSATION SO..... HERE........ YOU........... GO *punches*
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body... now what”
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk and he says "I went to a party with my girlfriend and this random guy walks up to us and says can I borrow your girlfriend for a 30 minutes I say yes and he takes her up stairs. It was not only 30 minutes but a hour. When she came back down she was out of breath so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation.this happens about 3 more times that night. But as I was saying only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys 😊😇
Orphans: were are my parents, random person: in the bed
Me: *looks at persons hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!
Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you...
That other guy in the comment section: that’s actually offensive to ducks
Bro it’s a joke....
