Randomness

Randomness Jokes

Dog

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

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  • Body

    When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

    Pill

    Mom: Wake up!

    Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...

    Mom: Why are you disappointed?

    Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...

    Tuna

    Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

    Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

    Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

    Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

    Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

    Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

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  • Phone Call

    Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

    answer the phone with this:

    "Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

    or

    "Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

    Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

    Option

    Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

    Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

    Chicken

    Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

    P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

    P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

    P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

    Dad

    "Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Not your dad."Random kid: "My dad went to get milk. My mom said he will be back soon."

    Letter

    Me: I'm afraid of random letters.

    Therapist: You are?

    Me: [screams]

    Therapist: Oh, I see.

    Me: [screaming intensifies]

    Orphan

    Random kid: Yo mama so stupid that she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

    Orphan: What's a mama?

    Random kid: *shook*

    Brick

    Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

    Teacher: 502.

    Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

    Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

    Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

    Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

    Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

    Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

    Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

    Teacher: let me guess the lion?

    Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

    Teacher: WOW!

    Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

    Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

    Student: The gators are at the party.

    Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

    Teacher: She drowned?!

    Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

    Punishment

    A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

    A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

    The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

    The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

    Loneliness

    It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.

    Teacher

    So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

    1 hour before:

    So let me get...

    Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

    Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

    Programming

    If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

    The rest of them will write Perl programs.

    Body

    When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”

    Duck

    Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

    That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

    That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

    Bro it’s a joke...