I named my dog 5 miles so when I walk him I can say I walked 5 miles random guy: I ran over 5 miles
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Random guy: Go suck a D*ck! Me: Nah, i rather suck a 9mm.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over." Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marihuana, Jack got high and slapped his thigh and said you know you wanna, Jill said yes picked up her dress and said lets have some fun, silly ole Jill forgot her pill and know they have a son.
I told my dad that I’m gay he replied ‘’no your retarded”,then he went off to kiss a baby
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun." Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?" Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?" Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna." Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?" Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
Does anyone ever get tired of being random? Me neither.
me: im afraid of random letters
therapist: you are?
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
knock knock- whose there- not your dad- random kid: my dad went to get milk my mom said he will be back soon.
ahem.. if somebody you dont like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this
Hello thank you for choosing mamas pizzeria/ abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce how may i help you?
or
hello this is davids orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you?
some people reactions are priceless and then the wonder about you mental health
Random kid: yo mama so stupid that she brought a spoon to the super bowl. orphan:what's a mama? Random kid: *shook
a man was in a court room, the judge said, ''what should this mans punishment be?'' a random guy ''OFF WITH HIS HEAD'' judge ''he shall give head to every man in this room'' the guy ''WAIT THATS NOT WHAT I SAID!!!''
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg. P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: To get to the other side DUH?!? P1: No dumbass, its to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me). P2: Holy shitr u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
It funny how you feel so alone with depression and yet once you tell people on some random website so may people relate unfortunately it doesn't stop the loneliness
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you...
That other guy in the comment section: that’s actually offensive to ducks
Bro it’s a joke....
Orphans: were are my parents, random person: in the bed
Me: *looks at persons hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!
Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?
