I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."
Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"
Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"
Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."
Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"
Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."
Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg. P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: To get to the other side DUH?!? P1: No dumbass, its to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me). P2: Holy shitr u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
knock knock- whose there- not your dad- random kid: my dad went to get milk my mom said he will be back soon.
me: im afraid of random letters
therapist: you are?
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
Random kid: yo mama so stupid that she brought a spoon to the super bowl. orphan:what's a mama? Random kid: *shook
Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
a man was in a court room, the judge said, ''what should this mans punishment be?'' a random guy ''OFF WITH HIS HEAD'' judge ''he shall give head to every man in this room'' the guy ''WAIT THATS NOT WHAT I SAID!!!''
It funny how you feel so alone with depression and yet once you tell people on some random website so may people relate unfortunately it doesn't stop the loneliness
SO WHO DID IT the i.s.s teacher said. 1 hour before So let me ge............ Random person wait what you BROKE UP WITH HER. Me I SWEAR JHONNY THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUD INTO MY CONVERSATION SO..... HERE........ YOU........... GO *punches*
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body... now what”
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk and he says "I went to a party with my girlfriend and this random guy walks up to us and says can I borrow your girlfriend for a 30 minutes I say yes and he takes her up stairs. It was not only 30 minutes but a hour. When she came back down she was out of breath so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation.this happens about 3 more times that night. But as I was saying only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys 😊😇
Orphans: were are my parents, random person: in the bed
