Bed Jokes

One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.

No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.

His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

Yo mama so fat when she went to the bed the house shook

Yo mamma so fat she asked for a water bed and they put a blanket over the Atlantic ocean

A person is laying horizontally against the wall as if they are trying to avoid touching the ground. Above, the text reads "When you hit the spider and it runs under the bed."

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

Your mom is a spy <3, just like in bed.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

What is a kid's favorite thing to do with their dad?

Play pretend dog in the bed.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.

What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?

Panera fed.

Credit to RogueRobot for this one:

What does Panera sleep in?

Panera bed.

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

Why does Darth Vader always choke people?

Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.

What is it called when a cop hides under his bed? Going undercover.

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”