Bed jokes
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
Shorkey will find you in bed tonight, and he will eat you like my joke or else...
A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.
The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
I like my men like I like my Alexa:
By my bed and turned on.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?
Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...
What is a kid's favorite thing to do with their dad?
Play pretend dog in the bed.
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!
Your mom is a spy <3, just like in bed.
When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.
But you know you live alone.
Yo mamma so fat, she asked for a water bed, and they put a blanket over the Atlantic Ocean.
Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.
What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?
Panera fed.
Credit to RogueRobot for this one:
What does Panera sleep in?
Panera bed.
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."