Bar jokes

A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"

The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."

So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."

And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar.

The blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash.

The bartender yells, "Sir, stop! What are you doing!?"

The blind guy says, "I'm just looking around."

Diddy and Hawk Tuah walk into a bar. Hawk Tuah says, "Spit on that thang!" Only one walks out. 💀

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar.

Jamal had 75 candy bars. He ate 65. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

Few jokes (sorry if they have already been used).

1 I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2 Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.

3 Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.

4 It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans.

5 What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!

6 Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."

7 What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

8 Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.

How do you fit three gay guys on a bar stool?

Flip it upside down.

A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.

How do rappers stay warm in the winter?

They drop some HOT BARS!

Why did the rapper bring a clock to the concert?

Because he wanted to spit BARS on time.

Why don't rappers ever become bankers?

Because they always break the BARS!

If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?