I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
*Titanic was sinking.*
Passenger: Hey, captain, how far away are we?
Captain: Two miles.
Passenger: Which way are we going?
Captain: Down.
Yo mama is so fat your dad could never get away.
You know why I only date disabled people? Cause they can't get away.
How do you make a hotdog stand? You take away its chair.
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."
Short girl: "How do you see up there?"
Tall guy: "Who said that?"
I spit my drink out and then ran away.
One day I went to smoke weed with some Mexicans, but they ran away when I asked if they had papers.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the power point/modem.
You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.
A handicapped person was making fun of me, so I walked away.
"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."
I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.
What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?
You got off clean.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
