Ares jokes
Why do emo kids wear hoodies all the time?
Because they are hiding stitches.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
Your forehead is so big, I bet your dreams are in IMAX.
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.
People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.
Why are orphans bad at hide and seek?
Because they can’t find their parents.
Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"
Student: "I'm not going."
Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
How to get your woman to come upstairs? Say you are naked.
Orphan jokes are just hurtful, and that is all they are, so please stop.
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
Two hotdogs are walking across the street. One is walking slow. What does the 2nd one say?
"Ketchup!"
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Roses are red, potato chips are savory...
The United States prison system is legalized slavery.
I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.
The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.
My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.
Why don't midgets use tampons?
Answer: They are always tripping over the string.