Ares jokes
Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?
Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!
Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!
Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!
Why are Americans so bad at chess?
They lost 2 towers.
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
Teacher: I was an orphan once.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They are big, heavy metal fans!
Any game: "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Non-binary people: *cries*
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
Why are Egyptian gods orphans?
Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Are you kidding? Feminists can’t change anything.