Ares jokes

Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?

If you're ever angry, go ahead and punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik’s cubes?

Because they have a history of separating colors.

A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."

How are giants and strippers alike?

They both grind men's bones to make their bread.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

Euro-peein'.

Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?

When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.

What type of people think rape jokes are funny?

Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:

The guy says, "I'm a fireman."

The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"

The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."

The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They lost 2 towers.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!