Anything jokes
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
What do you call a sad, depressed artist? Anything but "Cows of Woe".
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
(Posted by Seth 💖)
Monke
this is funny
If you laugh, enjoy, like, or anything you must: follow me and like my post if you want to lol
when ur bored in class so u post this and people start comenting the best shit
Me after picking up anything remotely heavy
Bear
true to some ppl
Community talk
Im just going to explain, or try to explain, how I feel, because I don't know what else to do before I fucking go insane.
I met Jake about like 3-4 years ago. I was 11 or 12. I came on for the worst jokes ever because of my boyfriend at the time. I quickly became attached to the site, having a place where I could speak to my IRL friends during school, and I met some really cool people. One of these people was Jake. … Read more
I have a really weird fear. Whenever I do anything, I'm always scared im not where I actually am. I think, "What if I had a huge accident or traumatic experience?" and "What if im actually in my school classroom or a hospital?" and I think im actually at home. Like I'm hallucinating where I am, and I'm actually in a class, and whenever I get up and do something, im not actually doing it, and I just look fucking cra… Read more
looking for a obsessive girlfriend that will literally do anything for me, I need someone that is really obsessive like really to the point your entire mood depends on me and I'm the only person you would want to talk to and you will lose all of your friends and completely stop talking to anybody else than me, and block all of your friends, your family, basically ANYONE you know just for me, must completely obey what I ask and listen, like really obsessed to the point you get upset when we both stop talking, you must give me a lot of compliments everyday too, like alotttt, like writing essays of how worthless you would be without me and shii, if you're interested DM me asap