Coping with Betrayal and Online Trauma

Im just going to explain, or try to explain, how I feel, because I don't know what else to do before I fucking go insane.

I met Jake about like 3-4 years ago. I was 11 or 12. I came on for the worst jokes ever because of my boyfriend at the time. I quickly became attached to the site, having a place where I could speak to my IRL friends during school, and I met some really cool people. One of these people was Jake. Jake was older than me, and he always offered to help me; he was really kind. Everyone who was around when he was knows me, and I was close to him in a friend way, and I went to him for everything. He was one of my best, closest friends. I told him everything, theres porbaly things he knows that no one else does. I truly went to him for everything. Jake was like a brother to me. When he did that, I won't even talk about how I felt then. I was scared, I was confused, I was high. That's all im speaking on that. After this happened, it took me about two weeks to say anything or believe it. I finally told two people, but I wasn't interactive, and it was vague because it was still hard. Finally, I just broke, and I went to UK. Im unsure how long after it happened I went to uk. Ever since it happened, I've been fucking horrible. I keep wondering what I did wrong; why can't I be seen as anything more than a body? I honestly still can't comprehend it. I still have to remind myself it's Jake, then i get hurt all over again. I'm barely processing this, and it has defo inflitced truama on me. I randomly have to question if im alive. I feel drained, I feel used. Im fuckin terrified. I cant trust anyone, because jake played so nice, jake played such a good freind. How do i trust anyone now? Im scared to be friends with someone now, what if they hurt another girl like he hurt me. Nothing feels real, and everything feels wrong. Sometimes i so desperately wish i could go back in time to when everything was normal. I wish so much jake wasnt like this. I want to go to him, and go to everyone and just beg for things to go back, to be normal. I know thats not the case, So i keep breaking down. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this, especially from someone i cant even believe. I can't comprehend what he did. I feel so horrible. I feel hopeless. The only thing getting me through are my friends and my girlfriend. Everything is so hard. I also want to ruin his life so bad, im going to report him, and i wish him the worst. But the part of me that thought he was who he isn't doesn't want that. He spent forever trying to guilt trip me, and I won't stop but It hurts. I wish it wasnt him. I wish i could be okay. I wish i could feel normal. It's happened before; men online have pressured me, they have had me do stuff. Jake was supposed to be one of the only men who would NEVER do that. Im in so much pain. I truly dont know what to do after I call him out. Ill regret it if i do, but regret it if i dont. I sometimes wonder if things would be easier if i just ended myself. That I wont do, but a girl can dream? I just want so fucking bad, to feel normal. To not break down at the hint of anything sexual, to not panic when i hear a phrase he said. Im just.. lost.