Animal jokes
What did the kangaroo say to the elephant? Hi up there!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it, 'cause it ain't gonna come to you.
What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?
- MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.
Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.
Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"
Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.
How did the cheetah greet other animals?
Cheetah: "Nice to eat you."
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
What’s a sheep’s favorite song?
"Baby Don’t Herd Me."
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin' off.
Why did the octopus cross the road?
'Cause he was on the same side as a sushi restaurant.
I was going to tell you a joke about a big cat, but I would be lion.
Why do lions 🦁 go to SUBWAY 🥪?
Because they like to EAT FLESH.
Mole
A baby seal walked into a club.
Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?
Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.
Me: So you two girls are from England?
Girls: Wales.
Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.
Bosses are like seagulls.
They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.