Animal jokes

Where do bunnies go when they're sick?

The hoppital.

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"

New horror movie idea.

The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.

Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.

What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?

"That hit the spot?"

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

what do sloths and depressed people have in common? ... they both hang from trees.

What sea creature can add up? A octoplus.

What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?

It's pasture your bedtime.

Women are like dogs...

"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"

"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"

"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."

SHOES

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

'Cause they are dead.

what do you call a cow that fell?

Ground beef.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!