Animal jokes
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
...You can't call it anything. It won't come to you.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the swearing hen say?
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" (It's cluck.)
What did the cussing rooster say?
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, phew!"
What sort of movies do cows like to watch?
Moosicals!
Yo mama's so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Fuck you, that's why.
What do you call an orphan fish?
Self-ish.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
Did you hear about the shark that ate a key shop?
I think it got lockjaw after that.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."
What did the bird say to the other bird?
Nothing, because birds can't talk.
Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
Because they have their own scales.
When did the cheetah steal from the bakery?
On Black Friday!!!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Do you know how a snail has a "nail," why can't it be a nut?
What do you call a stupid pig? A pious.
I did just see a blind person trying to f*ck a dog.