Animal jokes

What's Superman's weaknesses? Kryptonite and horses.

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

What do you call a chicken staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

(Say it out loud if you don't get it!)

What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both try to get there before the hair does.

Why is the cheetah so fast?

Because it can't walk slow.

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.

What happened when the dog played golf?

He hit the ball into the ruff.

Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"

The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."

What animal lies? A lion.

What does the Fox say?

Fraka - kaka - kaka - kow.

How do you make an elephant float?

One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He forgot his eggs.

I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.

Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.

There's nothing else that can beat up dog.

What's up, dog?

Just my depression!

My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.

Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.