My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.
Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.
Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"
Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".
"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"
Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."
Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."
What did mama cow say to baby cow? -- "It's pasture bedtime."
Me and my friend were duck hunting.
He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.
Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Why is the koala not a bear?
It doesn't have the right koalafications.
Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.
Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
The chicken!
What do you call a bulldog and a shih tzu? A bullshit.
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.
Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?
In the mooseum.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?
De-calf!
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
(Note: this joke is not one of the worst jokes ever because it is obscene or offensive; it’s just a bad joke.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re dead.
One morning, Peppy and George came downstairs for breakfast, but they got a plate of juicy bacon. Their dad had recently gone missing, so they ate it quite sadly.
The next morning, they went to school and asked their teacher, "What is bacon made out of?" The teacher replied, "Pigs, why?" Peppa and George looked horrified.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.
I want to die.
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
