Animal jokes

What creature takes the most medicine?

Caterpillar.

Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...

What do penguins 🐧 eat for lunch?

Freeze burgers.

What is big, black, and hairy? It's a gorilla with a machine gun.

What do French ducks say?

Quoi quoi.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

Bald Eagle.

My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.

What do cows use to do their homework? A cowculator.

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?

High steaks gambling.

What did mama cow say to baby cow? -- "It's pasture bedtime."

Me and my friend were duck hunting.

He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.

Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.

Why is the koala not a bear?

It doesn't have the right koalafications.

What's a duck's favorite drug?

Cwack.

Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry.

Why are elephants scared of computers?

Because of the mouse.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

The chicken!