Animal jokes
What happened when the duck crossed the road?
It crossed the road.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What egg do you buy an orphan?
Free range.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
Still no fucking idea.
What do you call a herd of winning cows?
A topside.
What da dog doin'?
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.
What did the shark say when he ate a clownfish? He said it tasted a little funny.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
Who is the gorilla's favorite president of the most recent years? It's Hairy Truman.
If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.
This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.
All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?
Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
What do they feed a gorilla in Paris?
Ape Suzettes.
What does a gorilla attorney study?
The law of the jungle.
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How did Gertie Gorilla make the Playboy magazine?
She was ape-ril!
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A kong-vict.
What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?
It's chocolate chimp.