Animal Jokes

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say 'Thank God' and to stop the horse, to say ' Hallelujah'. The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled hallelujah and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said 'Thank God".

Why do cows wear bells? -- Because their horns don't work.

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? -- A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

what do you call a running chicken

scared

what do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly Mammoth.

What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? -- Shear madness.

Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.

so I and my friend were talking this time, I asked them what they would do if they ever met rengoku they said that they would probably like shake his hand or sm but I said I would lick his forehead. wtf

On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P