Animal jokes

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

What's the difference between puppies and orphans?

The puppies actually get adopted.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.

Person: Where do I commit suicide?

Dog: Roof.

Person: Good idea.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

Why can't a cheetah play hide and seek?

Because he's always spotted.

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?

Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.

Child: *realizes*

What do you call an alligator that can't get hard? A reptile dysfunction.

What do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss.

Teacher: Describe a penguin.

Student: Black, white, beak.

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.

A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.

What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?

A cock sucker.

What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.