Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A “Lickalottapuss”.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What is a bald eagle's favorite dog breed?
A beagle!
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Friend: “What's that on your arm?”
Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?
A: Blue cheese.
My fish can break dance. Only for 20 seconds and only once.
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
