Always jokes

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?

“Because they always wanted a daddy.”

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

People judge me because I'm quiet.

No one plans a massacre out loud.

Why are cheetahs the best animals?

The cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world. They can reach a top speed of around 113 km per hour.

A cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 113 km in just a few seconds.

Cheetahs are extremely fast; however, they tire quickly and can only keep up their top speed for a few minutes before they are too tired to continue.

Cheetahs are smaller than other members of the big cat family, weighing only 45 – 60 kilograms.

One way to always recognize a cheetah is by the long, black lines which run from the inside of each eye to the mouth. These are usually called “tear lines,” and scientists believe they help protect the cheetah’s eyes from the harsh sun and help them to see long distances.

Cheetahs are the only big cat that cannot roar. They can purr though and usually purr most loudly when they are grooming or sitting near other cheetahs.

While lions and leopards usually do their hunting at night, cheetahs hunt for food during the day.

A cheetah has amazing eyesight during the day and can spot prey from 5 km away.

Cheetahs cannot climb trees and have poor night vision.

With their light body weight and blunt claws, cheetahs are not well designed to protect themselves or their prey. When a larger or more aggressive animal approaches a cheetah in the wild, it will give up its catch to avoid a fight.

Cheetahs only need to drink once every three to four days.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11... Allahu Akbar!

Trees are so social. They're always branching out.

Question: Why can't you trust a tree?

Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.

Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?

They are always swinging a stick.

Why do trees never call emo kids?

The emos always hang up on them.

Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.