Alcohol jokes

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...

Why did the man walk into a bar?

Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...

Bloody seamen.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.

I hear scientists have been experimenting with a new diet at Cornell University: just straight meat for 7 hours a night, all night long, with a side of alcohol to keep the shop open.

What do you call a money hungry Hispanic?

Don Jewlio

What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?

They are not for kids.

A Chinese, Japanese, South Korean, and North Korean all walk into a bar.

The Landlord says, "Why the same faces, lads?"

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

Steven Hawking's Sesh Cave, entry 50p, guaranteed Budweiser and ecstasy. Maybe a gram of heroin. You'll most likely see a mental 90-year-old guy absolutely going mental on the dance floor with a Stella in one hand and another on his crotch.

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk?

What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?

Pick up line for girls with the last name "Berg":

"I may be a tall glass of whiskey, but I'm nothing without a few ice Bergs."

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

People are like tequila glasses,

you gotta shoot them down fast.

I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.