Alcohol Jokes

A guy walks into an AA meeting and ask for a road map.

what do you call two lesbians in a closet. A liquor cabinet

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

So my dad was drinking so he was drunk and I was sad 😢 but can you be my friend pls

Did you hear about Alicia's car accident? She was really drunk and all over the road Until she was all over the road.

Why do they never serve beer at a math party? - Because you can't drink and derive.

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

What does a bar fly and a Necrophiliac have in common?

They both enjoy a Cold one once in awhile.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids

Woman gets pulled over by a cop Cop: ma'am have you been drink Lady: no officer Cop: what's that in your cup then ma'am Lady: just water officer Cop: looks like wine to me Lady: oh my god Jesus did it again

A TWELVE VOLT BATTERY walks into a tavern and orders a drink.The bartender serves him , and comments now don't start anything .

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,the bartender says "Don't you mean a Martini?"the Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I'll ask for one.

People are like taquila glasses

you gotta shoot them down fast

So little johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!

If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?

Little johnny smiled and said: A bus driver!

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”