I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar , '13 pints of water please' he says to the barman 'Oh fuck not you again' barman replies 'You boys are about to see something real special' says Jesus
My wife told me to treat her like a princess so i got drunk and drove through the tunnel
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had I said “yes”
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
3 Drunk men get in a taxi, the driver knew they were drunk so he started the car and turned it off. the first man gave him the money, the second man thanked him but the third man slapped the driver, the driver surprised that he noticed so he askes why and the third man replies with ̈why did you drive so fast. ̈
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamus` wife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus` wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately it was light beer.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common? A: Fu@king close to water!
A mushroom walked into a pub. He asked the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy." The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"
If you drink hand sanitizer does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What's got you down" The man says "I just found out my Niece is gay." The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks "What's got you down now?" The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says "My wife does."
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing.. wife couldn’t tell.
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature? Tequila Mockingbird
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers? She was drunk.
What would throw between a priest and a nun a bottle of whiskey
"Jesus can turn water into wine,but I can turn your mother into mine " -Sun Tzu the art of creating war
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."
James Bond: vodka martini Bartender: shaken not sterd James Bond: do I look like I give a DAMN
