Alcohol jokes
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.
The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?
"Alcohol, you later!"
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
I like wine how I like my woman.
4 year old locked in a basement.
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
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White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?
Knock knock.
Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.
Grim Reaper who?
The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Yeah.
(Not Original Joke)
You're an alcoholic!
The real reason Steven Hawking died is he was drunk and tried to go down a flight of stairs.
How do you call somebody who has bought a Corona?
A Cor-owner.