Alcohol jokes
What kind of beer is an orphan's favorite?
Foster's!
Better to drink until you wave it off than to wave it down.
A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.
One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.
They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.
A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."
Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.
What do you think of the Bill Cosby movie?
Netflix and alcohol.
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.
What’s an orphan’s favorite drink?
Foster’s.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?
Because there’s a bartender in there.
How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.
How do you trick a camel jockey into drinking a bottle of watermelon schnapps?
Pour watermelon seeds into a bottle of watermelon schnapps.
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."