Aed jokes

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

How does a train sneeze?

It goes, "A-choo choo!"

I identify as the Titanic, because I'm a wreck.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

My friend Enyaw is gay, she is a cunt.

I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.

What kind of truck does a Mexican drive?

F-Juan Fifty.

You're so ugly when a pig saw you, he said, "Yes, my brother is back."

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.

How do you starve a hippie? You hide its welfare check under the soap.

Your hairline is so long they mistake your forehead for a football field.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

Friend 1: Did you?

Depressed friend 2: I didn't!

Friend one: Swear on your life!

Depressed friend 2: I swear.

A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.

When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.

"I have a three-head."

"I have a four-head."

Bald people have a seven-head.

Hey Ryan, what do you call a wall so large no man can conquer?

Answer: Ryan's forehead.

An emo kid and a silent kid would be a good acquaintance because the emo would wish to die, and the silent kid would be the nice guy and grant that wish.

What does a pencil and a plan have in common?

They were both in the Twin Towers.

Why are blind people bad at catching things? Because they never see it coming.