Aed jokes

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Your hairline is so far gone that you could build a runway.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

Imagine if a ninja got a low taper fade.

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?

The pose!

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?

A. A backroom deal.

Why did the straight white caucasian male cross the road?

Because a black person was approaching.

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

What did Jessiey do?

Jump and make a explosionnnnnnnn, heyyyy gas!

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."