Aed jokes
Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?
No, because he is dead.
I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"
The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."
What animal lies? A lion.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
What do you call a country with nukes?
Abomination.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-alot-a-puss.
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
I have a girlfriend.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
An autistic man walks into a bra.
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.