Pay Jokes

Puns

Anonymous
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My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

1

Week

Anonymous
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

1

Ball

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the gayest person in the world is pacman. you can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Puns

Anonymous
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

Depression

Anonymous
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So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis, we talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing to her about being suicidal, she's been very helpful throughout it, I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Doctor

Anonymous
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I am still trying to figure out why paying the covid doctors a complement is so offensive. They even kicked me out and all I said was to stay positive...

2

Wife

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I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

Ball

Anonymous
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the gayest person in the world is pacman. you can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Yo mama

Anonymous
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Yo mama so poor she can't even pay attention.

0

Old Lady

Asswald
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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

Stole

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

Gas

Anonymous
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Why did hitler kill himself?

He didn’t want to pay the gas bill

Doctor

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It’s true women do make less money than men But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Ball

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the gayest person in the world is pacman. you can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Depression

Psych-yatrist
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I told my Phsychyatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Hell

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

Bill

Anonymous
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Y did Steven hawking die he didn’t pay his electricity bills

Drunk

Anonymous
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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick so then we'll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again". His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Depression

Anonymous
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I will pay someone to kill me

Roast

Anonymous
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You're cheap no one even pays attention.