Depression

Anonymous

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis, we talk about my depression and how it’s been getting worse. Recently, I’ve been advised about my condition, and how I’ve been discussing to her about being suicidal, she’s been very helpful throughout it, I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don’t have to worry about it later.

Puns

Anonymous

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Week

Anonymous

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Old

Asswald

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

Puns

Anonymous

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

Poor

Anonymous

Yo mama so poor she can’t even pay attention.

Difference

Anonymous

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

Die

Anonymous

Y did Steven hawking die he didn’t pay his electricity bills

Ball

Anonymous

the gayest person in the world is pacman. you can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Trump

Anonymous

My young son saw trump on TV he asked “Why is the man on TV painted orange?” I replied “Son when Russia pays that much for equipment, They don’t want it to rust”

Bar

Anonymous

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter, he approaches her and says “Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion but I was curious to know if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady smiles and says “That’s a lot of money, of course I would.” The doctor smiles and says “That’s interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady says “What are you joking? That’s no money at all, Of course I wouldn’t, what do you think I am?” The Doctor smiles again and says “We already established what you are, now we’re trying to establish a price.”

Depression

Greengrass

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love. I had to pay a hooker for, twelve hours work. … I felt nothing, but its was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

Fire

dontask

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

Fire

Morning Wood

wood fired pizza?

hows pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O

please drop a like

Man

FalcieAdam

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sort of material to climb up, but the dad didn’t pay much attention. Next day the kid went to the state tower, and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dads asks his son for a second time: " Son! why are you doing this?" the son replies: “You told me to aim up high”.

Depression

Anonymous

I will pay someone to kill me

Trump

Anonymous

The Trump cocktail .Take a large glass + fill it with a ounce of everything behind the bar . Top it with whipped cream and a cherry . Now for the hard part Finding a Mexican to pay for it .

Man

Anonymous

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. “Oh this handles so well !” they exclaimed. Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear ended them. Passenger said to his partner. " You tell that man he’s gonna pay every single cent cuz we’re going to sue him !" So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said “What do you want wimp? " The gay said ,” You just hit our new Pink Porsche and we’re gonna make you pay every single cent cuz we’re gonna sue you!" The trucker said " Oh yeah ? Blow me ! " Gay driver went " Ohhh!" And ran back. Gay partner asked him " What did he say ?" His fruitcake driver said " Ohhh! Its wonderful, he wants to settle out of court !"

Name

Midoriya

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks”Hey, if I can make you laugh I don’t have to pay.”The girl in the window says,”ok.”The guys says,”A little boy named Timmy lost his arms.”The girl says,” oh no!”The guy says”and his dad left him when he was 4.”The girl says “uhh yeah.” The guy says”Ok,I guess I’ll be paying then” The girl asks”Ok,And what name will that be under?”The guy says”Timmy,I’m Timmy.”

Bank

Anonymous

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes

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