Aed jokes

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

Because they can't get a green card.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."