Aed jokes

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo!

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

So, y'all remember Hitler, right?

Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

Why did Karen leave me?

Because I was a mushroom.

What do you call two natives in a sleeping bag?

Twix.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

I have a joke about paper. It's tearable.

If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"

A brother and sister were hanging out, and the brother was sad, so the sister asked why. The brother replies with, "I think I need to break up with you!"

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

What do you call yourself when you fist a midget?

A ventriloquist.

What is a guide dog 🐶 that cannot walk? A useless guide 🐶.

Children in the Twin Towers be like: "Look, Mum, it's a plane!"

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!