Aed jokes
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Your mama's so fat, I don’t know if it is a hippo or not.
I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.
I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"
He gave me a book.
It was the Quran.
I said, "What the hell is that?"
He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.
Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.
Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"
"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."
What did Ronnie have at Taco Bell?
A mind-blowing bean burrito.
Orphan
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."
I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."
I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!
What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
What has 15 arms, 9 legs, 8 heads, and 12 eyeballs?
A mosque after a missile strike.