Aed jokes
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.
Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a Risk I was willing to take.
What does every pirate hate?
A small chest with no booty.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
What show would have made Michael Jackson a superstar for television? To Catch a Predator, for obvious reasons.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Roses are red, violets are blue.
My heart is dead.
I’m such a fool.
Why did I fall for you?
You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.
And an exorcism.
Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.