Aed jokes

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

You know I would tell you a 9/11 joke, but it just doesn’t hit the spot.

What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?

A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.

A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".

So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"

Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!

Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?

Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?

Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?

Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?

“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?

Doctor: *calls 911*

911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?

Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?

911 service: *hangs up*

I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Like if you are a simp.

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.

What’s brown, fuzzy, and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation.

Where does a cow take his date?

Answer: To the moooooovies!

What did Michael Scott say to someone when he passed a plate of vegetables?

Boom! Roasted!

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.

I made that one up.

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

What's the difference between an orange?

A hippopotamus riding a four-door motorcycle.