Aed jokes

I wish I was a toe because I want to be banged all day.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.

How to make white ice cream red... blend a baby into it!

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

I tried to give directions to an orphan, but he got lost because there was no home.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

You wanna hear an Indian egg joke? (yeah-)

Never mind. You won't understand.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hang!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."

Girl, you and slow are slower than a fairness.

I am not telling you twice, your mouth stinks, so go burn your house down like a crazy mad woman, and I will call the cops like, "WTH," because you are so fat.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

Your hairline is so messed up, I thought a 2-year-old cut you up!

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

What do a black and a tornado have in common?

They both wreck neighborhoods.