Aed jokes
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Is laughing a problem?
Laughing at what?
I want to jump.
Jump—what?
Jump off the hook.
Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"
The child said, "A mistake."
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?
My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
What's the difference between a toaster and a ten-year-old Chinese girl? A Japanese soldier would regret sticking his d*ck into a toaster.
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
What has 30 legs but can't swim?
A bus full of children!
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
What's the difference between a human and a potato? There is none, you can eat both.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Q: Why can't pilots play Jenga?
A: Because they will just hit the Twin Towers.
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
What do you call an autistic kid going down the stairs in a wheelchair?
Hot Wheels!
Guess what you get when you cross a dark side and your king?
Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"
The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.