Aed jokes
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.