Aed jokes

This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.

I put glue in a man :)

What do we call a skeleton who has a ton of travels?

A skele-TON!

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

You're so fat, astronomers discovered a planet larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?

You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!

What do you call a grey, fat, and very old unicorn?

A rhino.

Yo mama's so old, when she was a girl, rainbows were black and white.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

I've been told I've got a perfect cock.

She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.

Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?

A: The pizza can support a family of four.

Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?

A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

How do you close a cabinet?

You closet! Hahahhyaahhahaaahhahaha!

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.