Aed jokes
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
The waiter recommended the rug meal.
She said it was delicious, but it's a tassle to make.
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
What is blue and sits in a corner? A baby in a baggy.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year.
If you fuck your sister in front of a redneck, are you appropriating their culture?