Aed jokes

I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.

Can I get a glass of water? I will give you anything you ask.

Really, then give me a pond of water.

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Guys, go to https://worstjokesever.com/jokes/5b3937c1a328f6072c316bd6/hey-guys-who-wants-to-play-roblox-with-me-we-can-go-om-cool-maps-my-name-is-xx_robloxgamer420_xx-pleeease-lets-play-rol and read the whole thing because I need people to play with, and everyone is being retarded. Thanks guys, goodbye.

My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

What does a cat say when it's angry?

- Stop stressing meowt!

What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.

OMG, I had a really good hand joke, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?

(Stupid People)

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?

A: Fu@king close to water!

When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.

A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.

The other day I lost all my crayons.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”