Aed jokes
Zach is a gay kid from Rob. Love you!
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
Q: I wish my grass was emo.
A: Then it would cut itself.
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!
Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.
Well, I have nothing.
How do you scare a bee?
Boo-bee!
Why is North Korea so good at Geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
Hillary Clinton would make a good president.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.