Aed jokes
A transgender woman with cancer of the tits only has to pay for half the operation.
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.
When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
'Cause the players are always dribbling everywhere!
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?
A crab apple!
I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.
What do you call a cow that lives in Africa? Moo-fasa!
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!
What do you call the mushy stuff between sharks' teeth?
A slow swimmer...
What is a monster's favorite place to swim?
Lake Erie!