Aed jokes
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they're so DARN STUPID!!!!
Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?
Because she's a woman.
When we take a family photo, you are the background.
Your hairline is so far gone that you could build a runway.
What do you call a Greek necrophiliac?
Con Fuckacarcass.
Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?
A. A mixed vegetable.
Q. What do you call a rich person who is in a vegetative state?
A. A loaded potato.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.
What do you call a man in a wheelchair with no legs?
Geo dude.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.
I played the Angry Birds theme while watching a 9/11 documentary.
Dog toys are getting out of control.
My mum's dog has a round bison bone.
Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
What's the difference between a baby and a cooked chicken?
Several hundred calories.
There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.
Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.
After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.
What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?
Fall Guys.